The Salem Spectator
by angelsinstead
Summary: A comedy/parody of Jack Deveraux's newspaper, The Spectator, including Editorials, Want Ads, and an Ask Alice section.
1. Edition One

Author's Note: This is the comedy/parody of Jack Deveraux's newspaper, "The Salem Spectator." This story will be submitted in several parts and is based off the hit soap Days of our Lives.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own NBC's Days of Our Lives or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

*** The Salem Spectator ::: Edition One ***

Editor and Head Reporter : Jack W. Deveraux Assistant Reporters : Jennifer R. Horton & Vern P. Scoefield

Monday, June 24, 1990 Bright sun, 105 degrees today, clear, 90 degrees tonight ~A Jack Deveraux Production~

(( Hot Editorials ))

"Kimberly's Baby" by Jack W. Deveraux :

Kimberly Brady Donovan has had a rough life. She went from a life of prostitution to marriage to a famous ISA Agent Shane Donovan. The trouble is that every time Kim becomes pregnant, she is uncertain who the child's father is. It happened in 1987 with the birth of Kim's son Andrew. Kim didn't know if her son belonged to her husband or to the "old coot" Victor Kiriakis. Later she discovered that the baby was Shane's, but there is no excuse for what she did. You might have thought that Kimberly would have learned her lesson, but she has not. It has happened again. Kim is pregnant and doesn't know if the child is Shane's or fathered by some filthy convict named Cal Winters who is serving a life sentence in prison. We are all anxious to know who the father may be this time. So stay informed by *The Spectator* for further details.

Ohhh, and I might add, if Kim's next child is anything like Andrew, who is three years old and looks to be ten, that kid will be out of diapers in no time!

"All Roman's Wives" by Jennifer R. Horton :

I was recently giving the honor of meeting Commander Roman Brady, known as "Sexual Cassanova" to most. Not many of us are aware of Roman's exclusive love life. First there was Anna whom he married and produced a daughter Carrie. Anna ran off with a swindler, so Roman went hot after the pants of Marlena Evans. Later he and Marlena married and had twins, Eric and Samantha.

It was rumored that at this point, Roman didn't want to handle such responsibility, so he disguised himself as a mummy to shake his responsibilities. Roman refuses to comment on that point in his life.

Marlena and he weren't married long when she died in a tragic plane crash. Roman was left with three hungry children and not a crop in the field. He began looking for a mother for his kids. Then, like a dog in heat, Roman went hot after the pants of Diana Coleville. It was rumored that Miss Coleville was really a woman named Laura Spencer in disguise and that she already had a husband. Roman and she went at it like animals for awhile- but that didn't last long. She too has left his life.

Now Roman is trotting after Isabella Tuscano. Some of us are wondering- when will Roman get enough? I asked Roman to comment on the situation. He just shook his head and sighed, "I may have to write a book about my sexual encounters entitled 'All My Wives,' and that's a fact."

"Emilio Ramerez Loses Earring" by Vern Scoefield :

There was a big commotion down at "Wings" this Saturday. It appears that Emilio Ramerez was helping his sister April Ramerez and manager of "Wings" do the cooking in the kitchen, when his favorite skull earring was lost.

Emilio didn't discover the loss of the earring until later that evening. It was too late by then. The fifty-cent earring had been served in the vegetable soup.

Unfortunately, Calliope Bradford had swallowed the skull-shaped earring thinking it was a piece of cabbage. Miss Bradford nearly choked to death and was rushed to Salem Medical Clinic to be treated by several quack doctors. Reports on her condition are still unknown.

When asked to comment, Ramerez stated, "You know, man. I want my earring back, dude. It was my lucky skull one, man."

"Justin Kiriakis's Sex Problem" by Jack W. Deveraux :

Justin Kiriakis discovered he was impotent upon remarryng his ex-wife Adrienne, who happens to be my lovely, darling sister. I asked Adrienne to describe Justin's problem and she stated, "Justin is like a wet noodle. I don't understand it. He was always a stallion before."

Justin was unable to perform in the bedroom and no longer required his daily cold shower. Justin was noted to have remarked, "Women no longer interest me. I nearly became involved with another man."

It was then that Justin discovered the root of his problem. His uncle, the croony Victor Kiriakis, had been putting impotency tablets in Justin's daily shot glass of straight Everclear. "That would be enough to make even Roman Brady go limp!" Justin commented.

Justin hid the pills and now has become a new man. "Now I can go about two hours, maybe three," Justin says. Luckily, he stopped long enough to grant the interview.

"Nicky Used to be My Pimp" by Jennifer R. Horton :

Most of you all remember the old Nick Corelli. He was the scum of the streets. He corrupted young girls and was a money-hungry pimp. Now Nick's put al that behind him.

He claims he was inspired to become a monk while watching the T.V. show "Days of our Lives," some crummy soap opera no one ever watches. "Just call me Brother Nick," Corelli says. "I want to help young prostitutes stay off the streets and out from between the sheets."

I asked Eve Donovan to comment on what Brother Nick has been to her. "Nick who?" she asked. "Ohhh yeah- Nicky used to be my pimp!"

"Brady Child Locked in Attic" by Vern Scoefield :

Kimberly Brady Donovan, who works at the Salem Children's Abuse Clinic, has disclosed the truth of an abuse in her own family. Maxwell Brady, her adopted brother has not been seen for several years. "My parents kept him hidden well," Kim admitted. "They kept Max locked in the attic, hoping he would either disappear or emerge prepared to attend college."

Kim says this is not the first in a series of abuses. She claims that her brother Roman has done the same thing with his own children, Samantha and Eric. "It's very easy to forget they even exist," one family member remarked.

Kim comments, "I won't ever do that to Andrew, no matter how slowly he grows."

(( Ask Alice ))

** Your most intimate questions are answered by wise, yet senile, old Alice Horton. **

Dear Alice, I am a fashion designer. Recently I was dining at a restaurant called "Wings," when I choked on hard piece of cabbage in the vegetable soup. I tried to chew it at first, but it broke off one of my teeth. I complained to the manager but she called me a dizzy broad and demanded the cabbage back. Do you think I should give it to her? Signed,  
>Choked Up<p>

*o*

Dear Choked,  
>Forget the cabbage, Calliope! Go back to to designing those dumb, ugly hats, you dizzy broad!<p>

*o*

Dear Alice,  
>A few weeks ago my husband was like a dead snake in bed, but recently he has been like a wild stallion. What can I do? I've had enough!<br>Signed, Longing for a Wet Noodle

*o*

Dear Longing, I suggest you call Brother Nick. He can answer whichever needs you may have.

*o*

Dear Alice,  
>Please help me! My parents are keeping me prisoner in the attic above their Fish Market. When will I ever be free?<br>Signed,  
>Haven't Grown<p>

*o*

Dear Haven't,  
>You will be free when you grow up and go to college, which I am certain won't be long from now. Hold your head up! At least you know how your father is, unlike your cousin!<p>

*o*

Dear Alice,  
>I am a good-looking guy who has had his share of foxy ladies. The trouble is, they never stay around long. What's my problem?<br>Signed,  
>Been Around<p>

*o*

Dear Been Around,  
>Maybe it's your breath. Try some strong mouth wash. You stink and that's a fact!<p>

*o*

Dear Alice, I don't know what to do. I am in love with this guy, but he doesn't love me. There is this guy who wants me, but I do not want him. He has this freaky earring with a skull that totally disgusts me. What do I do to turn on the first guy and turn off the second one?  
>Signed, Horny<p>

*o*

Dear Horny,  
>Buy a vibrator and forget the man. You sound too much like my granddaughter Jennifer!<p>

*o*

Dear Alice,  
>I am a low-down scum. I gave my nephew impotency pills, because I was jealous of his wild sex life. I wish I could be as sexually active as I was in my youth. How can I improve my sex life, Alice?<br>Signed,  
>Not Laid in Days!<p>

*o*

Dear Not Laid,  
>Stop by and we'll talk, big boy!<p>

*o*

Dear Alice,  
>I want to get kinky with this sexy young woman, but there is this long-haired man always hanging around her. How do I get rid of that punk?<br>Signed,  
>J.W.D.<p>

*o*

Dear J.W.D.,  
>Cram his skull earring up his nose!<p>

(( Classified Ads ))

** There is something here for everyone! **

For Sale : A hardened piece of cabbage pasted on a lovely pink hat. A new lovely fashion. Call Calliope at 555-DUMB.

For Sale : One over-used patch. Will sell cheap. Call Steve at 555-STUD.

For Sale: A little black book containing phone numbers of many hot prostitutes in Salem. Call Nick at 555-MONK.

For Sale: Box of Condoms. Never been used. Call Victor at 425-NOT-LAID.

For Sale: Engagement Ring. Only been used four times. Call Roman at 425-NEW-LADY.

Found: Small bottle of tablets. Taste good, but make my wife unhappy. Call Bo at 425-NOW-LIMP.

Found: Strange-looking cleaning device that buzzs and vibrates. Found near Tom and Alice Horton residence. Call Faith at 425-VIR-GINS.

Personal: I want to round up my family. If I have any more kids I don't know about, give me a call.  
>~Victor Kiriakis<p>

Lost: My Virginity. Anyone having any information please call Eve at 555-SLUT.

Reward: A $5 reward will be granted to anyone who can shed some light on who impregnated my wife. Call Shane at 425-BAD-WIFE.

Help Wanted: Blind person needed to clean old, uninhabited attic. Call Sean or Caroline at 425-LOST-MAX.

Lost: One genuine junk skull earring. Reward if undamaged by stomach acids. Call Emilio at 555-PUNK.

Lost: Missing pages of a diary filled with kinky, perverted acts. Call Isabella at 555-BELL.

Garage Sale: Will several old vibrators in good-working condition, sex manuals that are illustrated, and flavorful donuts. Cum early. Saturday morning. Tom and Alice Horton home.

Garage Sale: Will sell several highly colorful or see-through clothing, some high heels, crotchless panties, and lacy panty-hose. Perfect for the working girl. Eve and Kim Donovan residence. Cum Anytime!

(A/N: There are more editions of The Spectator if you liked this one. Just let me know!)  
> <p>


	2. Edition Two

Author's Note: This is the comedy/parody of Jack Deveraux's newspaper, "The Salem Spectator." This story will be submitted in several parts and is based off the hit soap Days of our Lives.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own NBC's Days of Our Lives or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

*** The Salem Spectator ::: Edition Two***

Editor and Head Reporter : Jack W. Deveraux.  
>Assistant Reporters : Jennifer R. Horton &amp; Vern P. Scoefield.<p>

Wednesday, June 26, 1990 Cloudy skies, 55 degrees today, 30 degrees tonight.

~A Jack Deveraux Production~

(( Hot Editorials ))

"Alice's Donut Delight" by Jack W. Deveraux :

Several of Salem's well-known residents gathered at the Tom and Alice Horton home for donuts and milk last Monday evening. Everyone was delighted with Alice's wonderful-tasting donuts. They had a special ingredient that pleased everyone in attendance. Alice refuses to name the special ingredient.

The donuts had a wonderous effect on all that attended the get-together. Marcus Hunter thought the donuts tasted so good that he fainted after just eating a few. Unfortunately, the donuts made Shane Donovan feel ill enough to vomit, and later the next morning he suffered from a splitting headache. When Faith Taylor ate a few of the donuts, she began dancing on the table and even began doing a strip-tease. But strangest of all, the donuts made Roman Brady confess many of his wild sexual adventures to all that attended. Many of us are wondering, Alice, what exactly is in those donuts?

"Birth Control for Sarah" by Jennifer R. Horton :

Sarah Horton, who happens to be my fifteen-year-old cousin, has had trouble convincing her parents Mickey and Maggie Horton to allow her to use birth control. That has all changed now that Sarah's parents have met her boyfriend Randy. Randy is the leader of a street gang and has a ring through his nose and a tattoo on his forehead. Now Sarah's parents are BEGGING her to use birth control.

I asked Mickey to comment on the situation and he remarked, "I want no hoodlum grandchildren. She's going to use protection."

Sarah then stated, "I haven't decided on the Sponge or the Pill. Maybe I will use a diaphram like you use, Jenn."

"Lovers Lost on an Island" by Vern Scoefield

About two weeks ago, some of Salem's best men and women were lost on deserted island thanks to evil Ernesto Toscano. Several strange and unusual events happened while these people were out in the tropical heat. Bo Brady claims he was abducted by six lovely ladies who took turns with his body. When Bo was finally found, he was tied to a palm tree, utterly exhausted, and sun-burned.

Bo's wife Hope stated that while on the island, a strange-looking little brown monkey wearing a dress tried to steal her undergarments. Her sister Julie said that the same monkey watched her undress, then it seductively ate a banana.

Victor Kirkiakis remarked, "I thought the monkey was Julie, because it was wearing a wig and one of her dresses. I nearly went to bed with it!"

A strange occurance happened to Roman Brady while he too was on the island. He met a lovely head-hunter princess and almost asked her to marry him. Luckily, our friends were rescued before Roman took ANOTHER wife.

"Jo Johnson Accused of Theft" by Jack W. Deveraux :

Jo Johnson, my lovely mother, has been wrongly accused of stealing from her employer. Dr. Neil Curtis, who owns the home where Jo cleans house, remarked, "Jo stole several Slim Whitman albums, a toliet brush, and Maggie Horton's surrogate-mother file!"

When asked why Jo would even want to steal these items, Dr. Curtis commented, "Because Slim Whitman can really turn Jo on. Whenever she is turned on, she has a desire to clean the toliet. And she stole Maggie's file to blackmail me. She's going to tell Mickey I am Sarah's real father unless I go to bed with her!"

Jo Johnson remarked, when hearing Dr. Curtis's accusations, "He's out of mind. I never clean toliets or listen to that faggot music. I didn't steal any files, and I'd not be caught dead in bed with that loser!"

Then Jo added, "It's too bad that Maggie had to carry that creep's child!"

"Emilio Ramerez Attacked" by Jennifer R. Horton :

The other night, Emilio Ramerez went for a walk on the docks when an odd-looking woman attacked him. Emilio stated, "It was really freaky, man. The chick appeared to be attracted to my earrings."

Emilio suffered several bodily injuries and torn clothing. The woman made off with Ramerez's leather jacket and earring. When asked if he's pressing charges, Ramerez commented, "You bet I will, dude. No one takes Ramerez's earring and gets away with it. That ugly, hairy chick will pay!"

"Patch Catches Earring Theif" by Vern Scoefield :

Last night, Steve (Patch) Johnson was strutting along the waterfront when a mean, ugly, hairy woman with long dangling earrings tried to jump him. The strange lady was wearing a dress belonging to Julie Wiliams, a pair of panties belonging to Hope Brady, a wig belonging to Calliope Bradford, and a leather jacket and earring belonging to recently assaulted Emilio Ramerez.

Steve said that the woman came closer, sat on his chest, and forced him to eat a banana. Finally, Steve managed to get the upperhand and unveiled the furry lady, finding it to be a stow-away from the Tuscano island. The horrible beast has been taken into custody and thrown into a prison cell with convict Cal Winters.

When asked to comment on the frightful situation, Steve asked, "At first I thought it was my wife Kayla. I nearly asked, 'Sweetness, why didn't you shave your legs?' But then the ape lifted it's skirt, then I knew." Hopefully, now Salem will no longer be terrorized by the ferocious monkey-beast.

(( Letter to the Editor ))

Dear Mr. Deveraux,

I am writing to comment on an editorial in a previous *Spectator.* The article was printed Monday, June 26, 1990 and was entitled "All Roman's Wives." In the article, it was said that there have been four women in Roman's life. The article mentioned Anna, Marlena Evans, Diana Coleville, and the recent Isabella Tuscano. I would like to correct that article by adding one lady who was forgotten. Between Diana and Isabella, there was one lady not mentioned. That woman is myself, Yvette (I do not wish to have my last name printed for personal reasons). I left Roman's life because often when we made love, he would call out another of his women's names during the act. Now I am hiding out and hoping he doesn't find me. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,  
>Yvette.<p>

((Ask Tom!))

*Your most intimate questions are answered by our town geiser Tom Horton while his wife Alice takes a leave of absence to make her special donuts for the *Spectator* editors and reporters.*

*o*

Dear Tom,

I have a serious problem. I am living in the Salem Penitentiary. I was having a great time here at first. I could use the phone anytime I wished, commit blackmail easily, and even terrorize the lives of others. But now they have put someone else in the cell with me. My new cell-mate is a very odd lady. She keeps trying to come on to me. This wouldn't be so bad, but this woman has a beard and really hairy legs. What should I do?

Signed, Scared Silly.

*o*

Dear Scared,

Go for it! You should leave Kim Donovan alone and start a romance with your new cell-mate! This time though, use some protection, pal!

*o*

Dear Tom,

My parents do not like my new boyfriend. They say he is a hoodlum just because his hair is long and greasy, he has a tattoo on his forehead, and he wears a ring through his nostrils. If they knew about the tattoo on his buttcheek, they'd really freak. What can I do to get my parents to like my boyfriend more?

Signed, Loving a Hoodlum.

*o*

Dear Loving,

I suggest you find a real man or else buys some 4-O-9 for your boyfriend's hair!

*o*

Dear Tom,

I have a severe need to eat the donuts your wife makes. I am a minister's daughter and was once very modest and virginal, now all I can think about is those sinful donuts. Sometimes I eat so many it has an awful effect. I start to remove my clothing and do crude dances. What can I do, Mr. Horton?

Signed,  
>Addicted to Donuts.<p>

*o*

Dear Addicted,

The donuts have a strange effect on me, too! They make me stumble around and only strong black coffeee seems to help. But some Folgers Automatic Drip and see if that helps any!

*o*

Dear Tom,

Years ago, I worked at a sperm bank. A woman came in and asked to be artificially inseminated, because at the time she was working as a surrogate mother. We were all out of sperm at the time, so I used my own to inseminate her. She ended up keeping the child. Now our daughter is fifteen years old and she is dating some hoodlum and using birth control. Should I speak up and let them know how our daughter should be raised?

Signed, Worried Daddy.

*o*

Dear Daddy,

I suggest you just hire a hitman and kill off that hoodlum! If you find a good one, let me know - because I am thinking of hiring one to kill off my granddaughter's boyfriend!

*o*

Dear Tom,

I was recently accused of stealing Slim Whitman albums, a medical file, and a toliet-cleaning device! I have never stole a thing in my life and I am outraged! Then the man had the nerve to accuse me of attempting to blackmail him! I want to get revenge for this guy's accusations. Got any ideas of how I could really get him back good?

Signed,  
>Unhappy housekeeper<p>

*o*

Dear Unhappy,

I suggest you steal his "New Kids on the Block" albums or perhaps his toliet plunger. If that doesn't make him mad, then I suggest you reveal his involvement in a spermbank!

*o*

Dear Tom,

My granddaughters are two very naughty young ladies. One is engaged to this punk who has an earring and sings, but ran away to a deserted island with a rapist. While she was away, the second granddaughter who was once lovers with the rapist is now becoming very intimate with the punk. I don't know what to do to punish these naughty children. Got any ideas?

Signed,  
>Grandma's Pissed Off.<p>

*o*

Dear Grandma,

Take a switch to both girls and get them on birth control right away! We don't want our great-grandchildren to be little rapists or hoodlums!

*o*

(( Classified Ads ))

** There is something here to attract you! **

For Sale : A pair of crotchless panties previously worn by a chimp. Call Hope at 555-SLIT.

For Sale : Tubes of sperm. Great for artificial insemination. Call Neil at 555-JISM.

For Sale : Bottle of shampoo. Never been used. Call Randy at 555-HOOD.

Found : Slim Whitman albums. Sounds like faggot-music. Found in the river near Jo Johnson's home. Call 555-BART and ask for Mr. Simpson.

Found : Jennifer Horton's diary. Is it true you let a rapist have oral sex with you? Call 555-RAPE to claim.

Personal : I love you, Melissa! Forget Jennifer - She's got Jack. I know I am a punk, but please give me a chance. ~ Emilio.

Personal: Jennifer, forget that Emilio punk. I love you, and I am a better lover than he is! Give me a try, you won't be sorry! ~ Jack.

Personal: Emilio, I know you are engaged, but your long hair and earrings really turn me on. Loving hoodlums just seems to run in the family. I will love you forever. ~ Melissa.

Personal: You are a creep, Jack, but I love you. I don't care if you raped your brother's wife. You are the only one for me. Emilio is history! ~ Jennifer.

Lost: My favorite leather jacket. May be flea-infested. If you find it, call Emilio at 555-PUNK.

Reward: A twenty-five dollar reward will be given to anyone who will kill off my daughters' boyfriends who are filthy hoodlums. Call Mickey at 555- PAPA.

Help Wanted: Someone is needed to clean up animal droppings from a prison cell. If interested, call the Salem Penitentiary at 555-JAIL.

Help Wanted: Someone to help prepare the donuts who won't eat the dough and then get silly. Call Alice at 555-AGED if you are interested.

Garage Sale: Held by Hope Brady and Julie Williams. Selling clothing that has been previously worn by a hairy ape. Dresses, panties, and bras in hairy condition.

Garage Sale: Given by Jennifer Horton. A battered diaphram damaged by sea water and other misc. Jennifer Horton home. Alice Horton's donuts will be served.

Wanted: Information about the six ladies who furiously made love to countless times while I was stranded on Tuscano Island. I am looking for these women in hopes of harem. Bo Brady at 425-NEED-SEX.

(A/N: Stay tuned for the next edition of The Spectator!)


End file.
